The Cage and the Clover (Deleuzions of Gender)

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I am the lion
I am the tamer
I am the bullet in the chamber
The trigger pulled if I do not perform
I am the laughter
And the scorn
Of an audience
Entertained
I am the guilt
I am the shame
I am the fear
I hold it close
I am the change I fear the most
For there is none
And I stagnate
I am the pressure
That will not abate
I am the lock
That clasps the chain
I am the source of my own pain
Until I break
Until I fold
Until the last of me is sold
Till all I have
Is the mask upon my face
I barely occupy this space

Will the stars fall away
And the dirt fall on my face
As my chest begins to cave
And blossom with decay

Or do I simply lay this body to rest?
Let the panic fade away
Watch the flowers on my chest
Bloom and wither and scatter
Leaving this unmarked grave
To inhabit the folds of other hills
Feeling out the soft clover
That is rooted deeper than I
As old sensations fade away
And new ones take their place
The smell of dew and jasmin
Are the same
But fill my lungs differently now:
The cage expands and contracts
But it is the one I choose
The difference between
A cat sitting in a box
And putting the cat in the box…

I breathe
And the sepia tones
Take on a new aspect
Bright turquoise
And in this moment
I realise there is a hand in mine
Another’s eyes on me.
The fingers squeeze
And I put down the looking glass

Everything has not come into focus
The colours blur as we climb over the hills
Away from the acrid fumes of the city we inhabit
– We will have to return –
But for now we walk.

It is not what it was;
Nor am I.
We fear this place
Because it is fearful;
In this way
We fold back into the landscape

But the seeds in the soil
Seek to grow
As much as the tar of the road breeds suffocation
And we take new paths now;
Grow in places unexpected
Trouble the soil around us.

There is growth in decay
And decay in growth
And between them
Between them
Is that moment in the morning
When sleep still holds me
When water flows
When heat rises
When movement begins
That it becomes they
That they become we
And I am up
I am and… and… and… And…

& Pasley (May, 2017)

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